Alex Mae was worried that I was going to make her dance for the camera. Don't worry, I said. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. For instance, yesterday was National Sandwich Day. What is that? What marketing team comes up with this crap? As if we need a reason to eat more sandwiches in this country. Did you hear about the Texas cop that was recently fired for feeding a homeless man a fecal sandwich? Just when I think that I am the biggest asshole around, the rest of the world is always there to cheer me up. Fuck Sandwiches. Besides, everyone knows that burritos are the true heroes of handheld cuisine.

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